Lyric Song

Once upon a time, I swore I'd never speak about this, but I've learned that silence is not golden. I should add that I'm nervous right now since I haven't done this before. If I end up skipping around a bit, that's why. There's just so much to say, and getting out of the boat is hard.

I'm learning that God's healing comes in phases, and from the most unexpected of places. He gives a measure of healing directly, but then He gives more as I trust Him and reach out to others like me. It's an amazing experience, very humbling. I'll be honest, this is uncomfortable and I feel, well, vulnerable. That's awkward, but this isn’t just about me. It is also about you and whatever reason brought you to know my story.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV) says this, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."

So, where do I begin? I guess with the simple truth. I've made a lot of mistakes but the biggest one...well…I had an abortion. It's amazing to me that I can utter those words and hold my head up to look at others, but that's the miracle of the Lord's healing. Why does it matter if I talk about my experience? Believe me, I have struggled with this in thought and in prayer! Who am I to tell anyone anything after all I've done?

I'm learning that with abortion, the specific detail of what happened with each woman is unique, but I'm certain that the aftermath of emotions are the same. How the repercussions unfold and how long it takes to unfurl revolves around how much denial is present and to some degree what kind of support system the woman has. Healing absolutely has everything to do with a relationship with the Lord.

Looking back is surreal for me. I wonder sometimes how it all happened. Other times I know exactly how it happened and I think too much on every step I took. What if? If I'd understood that each step took me closer to killing my own child, I’d have turned and ran the other way. That's the crazy part, I didn't see the direction I was heading in until it was too late. Step by step, I was choosing to get off the path of what was good in life. My poor choices desensitized me to what was good and right. By the time I could see clearly, I was lost, frightened and feeling very alone. Now I understand how lies are slowly seductive.

Some days it still hurts, but, by the grace of God, it's getting better. Some days I don't hurt and wonder if I should. Does that mean something is wrong with me? Is it okay to not feel pain? I’ve come to see its okay to let the pain go. I held onto my pain, thinking I had to as punishment for my sins. That wasn't right. I remember clearly wondering if I’d ever feel peace, laugh or even just sleep a full night as "normal" people do. Was all that over for me? I had a million other questions too. They haunted me when I least expected it. I thought life was over for me, but, tenderly and mercifully, the Lord Jesus brought me to a new kind of normal and gave me life where I thought no life could exist.

Miss Julie asked me to tell you about the aftermath of my abortion, but I think I need to go back further because the steps ahead of that terrible night very much dictated my path in recovery.

No one ever plans for life to go haywire. I think most women who have abortions are like me, and never thought they'd be in that position. I never thought I’d be one of those girls, careless enough to get pregnant or crazy enough to have an abortion. I was smart, I was in a church...not that often, but I was there. I thought of myself as Christian. I had a typical family background. I didn't party or act recklessly, I was in college and on my way to a great future.

In many ways, I had it all. I was dating a doctor, who was handsome, intelligent and fun. I was going to school to earn my own degree. I thought life would only get better from there. I thought I knew enough to get what I wanted, but I did that without seeking God's will or knowing who I was in Christ. Big mistake.

I thought I was a good Christian. Why? Because I thought that being a Christian meant that you read your Bible occasionally, showed up in church and prayed. Looking back now, I know I was just going through the motions. The one relationship that could have saved me from all these mistakes is the one I did not have. I had one foot in the world and one in the church. With straddling the fence like that, it’s real easy to get pushed off.

I can only say this to anyone who will hear my story…Jesus is the key to healing after an abortion. It’s not easy to go to Him, I know. I was so hurt and confused after the abortion that I wanted to look anywhere except into His eyes, but He didn't let me off the hook just because I looked away. He had patience and love to outlast any stubbornness of mine. Looking Jesus in the eyes…this is what healing demands.

Healing also demanded that I look fully at who I was, and where I had been. The worst part was taking the first step. I won't lie, every step hurt, but healing came with every step and I never took them alone. The Lord never left me, although I had a difficult time seeing him at first. Strange how that is...when life is the darkest, He’s the closest and sometimes that's not easy to see. I also had people supporting me, praying for me and constantly pointing me back to Jesus even if I didn’t want to hear it.

Brandon, Nick…I don't know how I’d have gotten through this without you. You loved me when I was entirely unlovable. Thank you, thank you so much for not walking away.

Brandon and Nick encouraged me to seek counseling. Miss Julie too. I didn’t want to go and even resisted their ideas, but after a while the pain became too much to bear. No matter how hard I tried to hold life together, I couldn't. That’s when I went to see the pastor.

I learned a lot about myself in counseling. How did the pastor put it? He said I had a quiet desperation inside. I learned a lot about God too. I learned He loved me, even though deep inside I’d always thought I was unworthy of His love. After all, look at what I had done. I knew God said in the Bible that He had good plans for me, but I’d lived so long thinking it was probably truer of others then me. My mistakes were motivated by those wrong feelings. I had to learn to believe God’s promises were true of me just as much as anyone else.

I remember thinking, when Mark started pressuring me for sex, that I should just give in to him because if I don't... he might find someone else and then I’d be alone. I was looking for validation, acceptance and love on an unconditional level, and, yet, I was willing to compromise. I thought that having Mark's love would prove my worth. Prove it to whom? I don't know the answer to that one. To others or myself...I suppose. What I know now is that my desire was misplaced. The love and validation I wanted from Mark is the love that is only possible through Jesus.

Do you know one of the biggest things I found out in all this? Insecurity often means you will accept less then God's best. That’s something to think about, isn’t it?

I knew that having sex with Mark was wrong, even though most everyone else around me kept saying it was natural and okay. I told myself that I'd clean up my act later and make up for my wrongs, but I was already stuck. I was too fearful to admit that I had made a mistake so I just tried to make the best of it. I simply couldn’t admit, especially to myself, that there was no real meaning to what Mark and I shared. That’s why I hid it from my brother. Nick knew. He wasn’t fooled.

I heard someone say once that in the dating scene men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love. That's exactly what happened, but I couldn't see that then. I continued to live for what could be instead of what really was. I sacrificed everything for the "could be" that I saw in Mark. The world says the end justifies the means. I guess I bought into that. No, I know I bought into that one, but I couldn't admit it.

You know, at one point when I found out I was pregnant, I actually got excited about the baby. I really thought Mark would whisk me away to elope, and we'd live happily ever after. White picket fence and all. I thought of what it might feel like to hold my child close and rock him or her to sleep with song. It ended up an unrealistic expectation, but that's how I dreamt.

When I realized Mark didn’t want to marry me, I knew my problems had just begun. I felt like I’d fallen into a deep, dark pit. I’d either think obsessively over all the options or try to shut everything out. It didn’t take long to get overwhelmed. The emotional storm continued inside of me, but, every now and then, I’d allow myself to hold my tummy and whisper to my child. I said so many things.

Time crept by, and I thought more and more on how I’d tell the people in my life. I was so scared. I wanted an escape from the rejection I knew would come. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. I wanted my reputation intact. I'd already sacrificed so much to have Mark’s love. Perhaps if I sacrificed a little more, it could all still work out. It was a vicious circle, and confusion obscured that from my sight.

I didn't want the abortion, but things kept unfolding. Mark kept saying we only had a short time to do this. The time crunch has a crazy power to distort the issues and intensify fear. I had so many thoughts. "How can this happen? Why me? This isn't fair! Why did I give in? If only I had waited. This can't be real. This can't be real. This can't be real." Part of me wanted it all over with...I'm most ashamed to say that.

Casey tried her best, for as much as I’d allow her into my chaotic world. She didn’t really know what I was struggling with but she told me, "Jesus can help you.” I'd ask her how and she didn't have concrete answers. That wasn't good enough. If only I’d told her sooner. I wonder about that sometimes.

Her words got to me though so now what? Confront Mark and tell him I'm keeping the baby? He was pressuring me to have the abortion. He was pretty persuasive. He said "we" could make up for it all later....just start fresh and do things right...but Casey's words came back to me, "Jesus can help you."

I thought I had found the courage to tell Mark I was keeping the baby and when I went to the motel room, I thought I was ready to tell him so. I'm not sure what happened. That part is all so surreal. I recall my heart pounding so hard that I could feel it in every part of my body. I know I asked Mark to reconsider, but somehow he got his way. This part is fuzzy for me, the guilt and shame of what came next was an awful mountain to face.

Abortion is horrific. My dreams haunted me...if I could sleep at all. The coldness of that generic, motel room chilled me to the core. It was incredibly ironic to think that this might have been where my child was conceived. I remember the smell of old cigarettes like smoke had accumulated in that room for years. My mind wandered off to where all this began and how I thought he loved me. There was nothing loving in this at all. How did I get here?

The pain interrupted my thoughts and I felt so degraded. At one point, it hurt so much that I reached for Mark but he pushed my hand away viciously. I’ll never forget his cold and condemning look as he stood over me. "Be still and shut up!" This was the man I had wanted to spend my life with?

It’s all so vague but I remember the shaking, my breathlessness, the nausea then hot tears that streamed down my face. I felt as if my mind, heart and soul were being violently ripped from me. What or who could ever give that back to me? Numbness seeped into my bones. I don't know when Mark left or what happened after that. It’s disjointed in my memories. I felt empty, utterly empty. I remember that.

In the weeks that followed, a multitude of emotions hit me. The fear was unbearable, or so I thought, before the abortion but afterward it took on new depths. So many more “what ifs.” Remorse, sorrow and even panic motivated my actions. Anger bordered on rage, often without good reason. It just came out at the least expected times and at the people who least deserved it. I felt betrayed on so many levels, but mostly I was discouraged by my own betrayals. I betrayed not just my child but myself, my dreams and all that I thought I stood for. I betrayed all that was right in the Lord’s sight. Confusion reigned once again, and as I slipped into despair. I wanted nothing more then to sleep through it all in darkness. I hated the light.

I believed I was so alone, but I thank God that I was never as alone as I felt. The Lord was carrying me through, and until I was able to see and feel His presence, His love shone through my friends, especially Brandon.

Looking back, I know it made all the difference in the world to have people who refused to give up on me, who prayed for me and kept guiding me to Jesus. Jesus is so gentle to bind up a broken heart. Sometimes I wonder why I resisted Him as long as I did, and I shudder when I consider how much worse it could have been. The path would’ve been so much longer and darker if I’d been alone. I realize now that is precisely why isolation is so dangerous.

I'm told that Brandon came to help. He's extraordinary. Casey sent him because she was afraid of what she would find. He says I was awake, but I think I was just on autopilot. Brandon told me once about the morning he buried my daughter. He told me how the sun was rising as he cried over the loss of my child and laid her to rest. “A beautiful, late spring morning,” he said.

I know it sounds cliché but that’s where I am right now with Jesus. Spring time. I have things to work though, but I have hope and a new beginning. The fact that these good things exist in the midst of all my consequences, speaks the extent of God's mercy and love. We serve an awesome God. The most important thing I can tell you is that Jesus will help you if you let Him, no matter how big you think your problems are. He doesn't want you destroyed for your mistakes. He loves you and He wants to heal you. Even though I fought it for so long, it really is as simple as Brandon kept saying, “Go to Jesus. Give it to Him.” Through Jesus, I found a new normal and with it I found joy, laughter and even a good night's sleep. Jesus is so beautiful, and He is truly my Savior.

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